Lost In Paradise
by BrokenWhispers11
Summary: "It seemed like too many people he cared for had died. If he had known, if he could have said one last word, done one last thing… he would have given anything to reverse time." Moments in Remus Lupins' life. RLxNT. Please R&R!


**Hi! This is my first Harry Potter fanfic, so I hope that it's not too bad. It's about Lupin, as he is the character I feel the most sorry for, and I thought that this song might fit his life. Anyways, I'm currently rereading the Harry Potter series, and I have just finished book 5. Also, I hope that this isn't too confusing.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters. They belong to J.K. Rowling, the talented writer who created the best series ever! I also don't own the lyrics & song used in this story. The song is "Lost in Paradise" by Evanescence, and is theirs. **

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Lost In Paradise<strong>

**I've been believing in something so distant  
>As if I was human<br>And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness  
>In me, in me<strong>

It was hard for him to remember the days when he had just been a normal person. It was so long ago and he was afraid that the memories would slip away completely, leaving him with nothing but the memories of the pain and fear. Closing his eyes, he tried to picture himself standing in front of a full moon, feeling calm and happy. But he could not imagine it, could not remember those days. His mind went into panic mode before a grim thought occurred to him. He wasn't meant to remember those days. Those memories were as good as dead now. What he wanted to remember, what he had hoped for, was going to be out of his reach forever. With a resigned expression on his face, he looked at the moon waning in the sky, letting his hopes slowly disappear with it.

**All the promises I made  
>Just to let you down<br>You believed in me, but I'm broken**

His legs would not hold him up anymore and he sank to the ground, his hands curling into fists. He felt angry, betrayed, devastated, and guilty. He had promised to be there for them, all those years ago. He had promised to himself to protect them. But he had failed. He had failed all of them. How could he have been so blind? His… his _former_ friend was a Black. He should have seen it coming. But he didn't, and the deaths of his closest friends was the price to pay for it. A part of him didn't want to believe that Sirius was to blame for these deaths, a part of him wanted to believe that there was some deception. But the remains of his friends were evidence that Sirius Black had truly become one of _them_.

The Blacks were notorious for their cruelty, and most of them had supported Voldemort. The exceptions had been Andromeda Tonks, and he had thought Sirius had been against Voldemort too. But he wasn't sure anymore. Lily, James, Peter, and Sirius had been the only friends that he had ever had. They were the only ones who really accepted him for who he was, and not what he was. They had made him feel like he could be happy, that he could enjoy life. But he had failed them, the deaths of Lily, James, and Peter proof of that. He should have seen through Sirius, but he didn't. Sirius was locked up in Azkaban, his best friends were dead, and he was alone again.

**I have nothing left  
>And all I feel is this cruel wanting<strong>

We've been falling for all this time  
>And now I'm lost in paradise<p>

Sighing, he locked the door to his office and sank into a chair. An untouched bottle of Firewhisky sat on his desk, a goblet turned upside down over the neck of the bottle. He cast a longing look at it, but resisted the temptation. He didn't want it just yet. He was not going to drown his sorrows in Firewhisky. Closing his eyes, he sighed heavily.

It was October 31st. He had dreaded this day each year, but he knew he couldn't stop time. He tried to remain strong, but it was hard to when he thought of all he had left. He felt more alone than ever now, being here in the castle that held so many memories for him. All the things that he would do with James, Sirius, and Peter… the pranks, detentions, the full moon… everything seemed so wrong right now. He was a Marauder and a werewolf, not a professor. He should have been landing himself in detentions, not giving them. He should be with the other Marauders, not alone.

He was thankful that some of James and Lily survived in their son, Harry. He had his mother's eyes and looked just like his father. It made him feel a little less alone, knowing that he still had a part of his friends to hold on to. He wanted to make up for not protecting them by protecting their son. That was the main reason he had returned to Hogwarts.

He had also returned as a favor to Dumbledore. Dumbledore had given him a chance that other's would not have given him. He was allowed to have an education, something that he greatly valued since his first transformation. He had been so scared that he would never amount to anything, that he would never have friends. If it weren't for Dumbledore's kindness, he might have never had the life he was leading now.

And now, he had a job, something that had been so hard to find since he had graduated. No one would accept him, knowing what he was. He never tried to hurt anybody, but he was rejected anyways. Hogwarts had been his home as a child, and now, it was his home again. Despite the fact that it was October 31st, he felt like he was the happiest he had ever been since his friends' deaths.

**As much as I'd like the past not to exist  
>It still does<br>And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here  
>I'm just as scared as you<strong>

"Nymphadora-" He started, only to be cut off.

"Don't call me that!" She snapped at him and he sighed, looking into her eyes.

"Tonks, I've told you before. I'm too old, too poor, too dangerous…" He pushed away the pain inside at the words, and continued. "You deserve someone better than me. "

"Why don't you get it, Remus? I won't love anyone else because I love _you_!" He could hear the desperation in her voice, could see the pain in her eyes, and it was killing him. He wanted nothing more than to give in to her, to let himself love her. But he was so afraid that he would hurt her, that she would be rejected like him. He was too old for her, yet she still refused to listen.

How had he let himself fall in love with her? He should have been more on guard; he should have closed off his heart to her. It had started with meeting her at Grimmauld Place. Then she would come for the order meetings and drop by just to spend time with Sirius. When Sirius would fall asleep, the two of them would talk late into the night, laughing with each other, sharing memories. They would go on guard duty together, go out together. During that time, he had formed feelings for her, feelings that he shouldn't have had. It was too late to fix his mistakes.

"I don't want you to live the same cursed life as I do, Tonks. I'm a werewolf, and people reject me for it. I don't have a job, and I am too old for you. I can't be with you."

"I don't care, Remus, I don't care!" He felt his heart break when he saw tears slide down her face. He didn't want to do this to her, but he had to. He would not condemn her to the life he led. Closing his eyes, he pulled away, knowing that what he was about to do would hurt her.

"I'm sorry, Nymphadora."

Before she could open her mouth to respond, he was gone, leaves swirling where he had stood a moment ago.

**I have nothing left  
>And all I feel is this cruel wanting<strong>

**We've been falling for all this time**  
><strong>And now I'm lost in paradise<strong>

He looked at the castle above him, tears glistening in his eyes. The sun was rising and the sky was filled with vibrant shades of red, yellow and orange. It was shining down warmly on the grounds, but he couldn't feel it. All he felt was a bitter cold that filled his heart and soul, threatening to consume him. Turning his back to the warmth, he started to walk with no destination in mind, his eyes unfocused on the ground in front of him.

The greatest wizard that had ever lived was dead. He was killed by a man that he had trusted, a man that they had all trusted. Snape had betrayed them all, and now, Remus wasn't sure what was going to happen. Would they all fall victim to Voldemort's cruelty? Would Voldemort win in the end, leaving the world torn apart? A part of him urged him to lose all hope. It was pointless to fight when the only man Voldemort feared was dead. Nothing could stop the dark wizard. Nothing. But he could not lose hope, not while Harry still lived. Hadn't Dumbledore told him to trust Harry? To put his faith in the boy? He could not give up. He was the last Marauder now, and he had to make sure that he was there for Harry. For James and Lily, and for Harry, he would not give up.

He still remembered the shock he had felt when he had gazed upon Dumbledore's body. How could such a great man have died? It seemed like too many people he cared for had died. If he had known, if he could have said one last word, done one last thing… he would have given anything to reverse time. He would have found a way to save James and Lily, he would have saved Sirius, saved Dumbledore. But time did not work that way, and he was stuck with what he had now.

When he closed his eyes now, he didn't picture Dumbledore's lifeless body. He pictured her's. Nymphadora Tonks, still, cold, and lifeless. He had been so scared since Sirius had been killed, scared that her insane aunt would turn to kill her next. Scared that Greyback would learn of his affections for her and target her. Scared that when he wasn't near her, she would get killed. He wanted to be near her, to protect her, but he was afraid that he would put her in even more danger. But now, he felt like if he didn't give into his feelings, he would lose her before he could ever tell her that he loved her. So many people were dying so quickly. He didn't want to lose her too. He knew that not so long ago, he had turned her down harshly, and the pain on her face and the brokenness in her eyes made him hate himself more than ever.

Lifting his gaze from the ground, he stopped walking, shocked. His breath caught in his throat as he saw the subject of his thoughts standing not even a foot away from him. There was a panicked look on her face, and she turned around quickly, making her way back into the castle. He watched her retreating form, frozen. He wasn't sure what to do anymore. He knew that he should turn her away, but he needed her and he needed her now. He didn't know how to explain what he was feeling at the moment, but he wanted to be near her, to hold her, to protect her. His feet moved of their own will, and he found himself running to catch up with her.

"Tonks, wait!"

She didn't stop. If anything, she was walking away even faster than before. But within a few seconds, he had caught up to her, his hand closing around her wrist. He gently turned her around to face him. He was surprised when she didn't pull away. She had been avoiding him, and he had let her, but now…

"What?" Her voice was barely a whisper, and he felt a stab of guilt, knowing that it was his fault that she was this way. Closing his eyes, he tried to calm himself and plan what he wanted to say. Opening them again, he looked her in the eyes and gave her a sad smile.

"I know that I've been so horrible to you lately, and I'm sorry. I still don't believe that I deserve you, but I don't know if I will make it to the end of this war. I've lost too many people close to me, and I'm not going to lose you too. I know I'm too old, too poor, and too dangerous but I…" He trailed off, unsure of how to proceed.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I…I'm trying to say that… that I love you Nymphadora Tonks, and I hope that you can forgive me for being so horrible to you. I love you and I want to be with you…"

That was all she needed to hear.

**Run away, run away  
>One day we won't feel this pain anymore<br>Take it all away  
>Shadows of you<br>Cause they won't let me go**

He was a coward. A bloody, stupid coward.

There was no point in denying that fact. He had always been one and always would be. Never brave enough to stop his friends from getting out of control, never brave enough to face his fears, and not brave enough to continue being with his wife. He wanted her to understand why he couldn't be with her anymore. He loved her, he truly did, but he was a lycanthrope. Every minute spent with her meant that she was in danger. And he loved her too much to let her get hurt. He was a danger to their unborn son as well. No one in their right mind would willingly have a child with a werewolf, let alone marry one. Why did he think that she could be different? Who would know if his child would inherit his condition? And if not? He didn't want his child to be ashamed of its father, and he didn't want it to be rejected like he was.

So, he had run away. He hadn't even told Nymphadora that he was leaving. He had just left in the middle of the night, while she slept peacefully. He didn't want to be alone, but he couldn't face the possibility of hurting her or his child. He had tried to join Harry, to help him, but he had only been shouted at and called a coward. Not that he denied it. He was a coward, and though he tried to pretend that it didn't matter, it did.

Every time he closed his eyes, he pictured his wife. Her usually bright face pale, tears falling from her eyes. He couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of her misery. She was the most perfect person in the world to him, and each time he pictured her that way, he felt compelled to return to her. She wouldn't forgive him even if he did, his mind tried to argue back, but he wanted to be with her forever. When he had felt so alone after Sirius' death, she had been the one to bring him back to life. When he put himself down, she raised his morale again. She was everything he needed, and as much as he wanted to push her away, he found that he couldn't. He would always return back to her, because she was the light in his world of darkness.

**Till I have nothing left  
><strong>**And all I feel is this cruel wanting**

**We've been falling for all this time  
><strong>**And now I'm lost in paradise**

**Alone I'm lost in paradise**

The sun was sitting high in the sky, lighting up the rubble of Hogwarts. It illuminated the ashes that lay on the ground, the mourning, the injured, and the dead. The morning air was still and silent, and the absence of the songs of the birds was clear. Inside the school, blood stained the floor of the hallways, and the Great Hall had been converted into a place for the dead and injured. Family members huddled around bodies, their sobs echoing off the walls. People talked in hushed voices, and whispered words of comfort to each other. On the ground, to bodies lie side by side, their hands intertwined. If someone were to look closely, they would see ghosts of smiles on the couple's faces. Others avoided them, leaving them alone and in peace, and looking at the couple, one thing was clear. Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin were lost in paradise together, somewhere in the afterlife, where they would be together for eternity, back with the ones they loved.

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><p><strong>How was it? I really hope that it was okay! Please review, even if it is a word or two, as I am very anxious to know how you feel about this story! Please and thank you! <strong>

**BrokenWhispers11**


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